How To Write a SessKag Fic
by Drake Clawfang
Summary: Take one part schizo author, mix in some pro InuKag, anti SessKag, and simmer until nonsensical. The result of an InuKag fan reading one too many bad SessKag fics and not wanting to put up with it anymore.


For the record, I'll say it now: I HATE Sess/Kag

**HtWaSKF V 3.5, minor spelling and grammar changes and a handful of content updates regarding Jaken and Rin.**

**UPDATE**

**Now hosted on 3 sites, HtWaSKF has 302 reviews and almost 4500 hits in total! WOOT!**

How to Write a Sess/Kag Fic

**Step 1: Make sure everyone is out of character. Inuyasha curses like a drunken Irishman, Kagome is weak and cries whenever the slightest thing goes wrong, blah blah.**

"Hey bitch, hurry up and get your fat ass moving!" Inuyasha bellowed. Kagome lifted her backpack and faced the hanyou, her eyes watering.

"Damn you Inuyasha, why are you so mean?" Kagome wailed, tears pouring from her eyes. Inuyasha snorted.

"Shut the fuck up! Kikyo was never so blubbery. Now come on, you've got jewel shards to detect, bitch!"

"Inuyasha really is an asshole, isn't he, Kagome?" Shippo muttered, climbing up on her shoulder. Kagome sniffed and wiped away her tears

**Optional Step: Be sure to note that Kagome has absolutely no feelings for Inuyasha, despite all evidence, including the fact she's openly said she's in love with him.**

"Oh yeah, he's a total jackass. I hate his guts," Kagome replied.

"You hate him?" Shippo asked. "Sango and Miroku thought you loved him!"

"Oh please, like I would ever love a thing like him," Kagome said.

"Really? But didn't you say you loved him?" Shippo gasped.

"I never said I loved Inuyasha," Kagome corrected.

"Yeah you did, you told Sango about it, how Kagura had kidnapped you and that weird baby was looking in your soul…"

"I was drunk, ok?!" Kagome snapped.

**Step 2: Send Inuyasha off to find Kikyo.**

"I'm horny, I'm gonna go fuck Kikyo," Inuyasha said, running off into the woods as the group stopped to make camp. Kagome sighed.

"Oh my god…" she groaned. "How many times has he done this before?"

"Well…" Shippo counted on his fingers and scratched his head. "From what I remember, he's only ever left us deliberately to find her maybe four or five times, at least since I started following you guys around.

"Really?" Kagome muttered. "It feels more like he goes off to sleep with Kikyo every week."

"It's ok Kagome, that's an easy mistake to make when you don't pay attention," Sango said, patting her on the back.

**Step 3: Now it's Kagome's turn to head off into the woods, so she can get attacked by a youkai**

"Well, I'm going into the woods to take a bath. Sango, stay here and make sure Miroku doesn't peep on me, that way I'll be totally alone and defenseless."

"Okay Kagome," Sango nodded, eyeing the houshi in question.

"Sango, what did I ever do to deserve such accusations?" Miroku asked. Kagome rolled her eyes and jogged into the forest. She had reached a river when a pair of eyes loomed out of the trees.

"Give me the jewel shards!" The youkai bellowed, pouncing. Kagome spun around and screamed.

**Step 4: Make sure no one from the Inu-gang comes to help her, despite the fact they have every conceivable reason to do so.**

Sango jerked her head up from threatening Miroku.

"Did you hear that?" She asked.

"It sounded like a youkai just attacked Kagome," Miroku agreed. "We should go help her."

"Nah, she told us to stay here," Sango shrugged. "Hey Shippo, go and get Inuyasha, he'll save her." Shippo cocked an ear into the forest and shook his head.

"Nah, he's too busy with Kikyo. Give him five minutes," he replied.

**Step 5: Have Sesshomaru sweep in to save the day in all manner of heroics, despite the fact he's never cared about Kagome for any reason in the past.**

Kagome looked up at the snarling jaws and fainted. As the youkai closed in, a flash of white came from the trees. Sesshomaru, Tokijin drawn, sliced the youkai to bits. He looked down at Kagome for a moment before reaching down to pick her up and gracefully leaping into the forest.

"Miroku, was that Sesshomaru?" Sango asked.

"I believe it was. Why on earth would he rescue Kagome?" Miroku pondered.

"Because the characterization in this story makes no sense?" Shippo reminded.

"That sounds apt," Sango nodded.

"Perhaps we should pursue them, after all, Kagome has the shards of the jewel with her, and we don't know if she's hurt," Miroku suggested.

"Nah, she's fine," Shippo scoffed. "Sesshomaru's just a big caring softie inside."

"He is?" Sango gasped.

"Well, probably not, but I like to believe so," Shippo shrugged.

**Step 6: Give Sesshomaru a castle to take Kagome to, despite the fact Rumiko Takahashi never wrote about him having any castle at all and the fact he's always wandering around and is clearly a nomad. Be sure to note the two of them have always secretly found each other attractive.**

"Where am I?" Kagome asked dreamily. She sat up and starred at the hunkalicious youkai looking over her. Oh yeah, Sesshomaru, the sexy beast that had tried to kill her in the past and had tried to kill Inuyasha every time they met. God, he had looked so delicious when he had fired the Kaze no Kizu at her. Murderers were _such _hotties…

"I found you being attacked," Sesshomaru muttered, struggling to keep his eyes on her face. He had always found the human maiden unbearably attractive, which is why every attempt to kill her in the past was merely for show and careful executed to make it look genuine. Oh god, that way she pointed her arrow at him and threatened to shoot his other arm off, god _damn_ she looked fine. What he wouldn't give for five seconds up that hot little skirt of hers…

"I brought you here for medical attention," Sesshomaru finished. There'd be time for his fantasies later that night in his bedroom with the pillow and Kleenex. Kagome blinked away a mental image of Sesshomaru in the nude and shrugged.

"Oh…okay," Kagome said.

**Step 7: Make sure Kagome has no reason to leave Sesshomaru's castle. Be sure, above all, to destroy the well. That future place, along with Kagome's family, is totally irrelevant to the story.**

"My lord!" Jaken squawked, waddling into the room. "Reports came that Naraku attacked and destroyed a well near the village where Inuyasha was sealed!"

"My family!" Kagome shrieked, bursting into the tears. "That well connected me to my home time! I'll never see them again!" She wailed. Sesshomaru frowned.

"Wait, Naraku did not know about the well. Why would he have destroyed it? In fact, _I _don't know about the well. Why am I acting so knowledgeable? And why on earth am I monologueing?" he pondered.

"Do you mind, I'm trying to act weak and helpless despite the fact I'm fiercely independent over here!" Kagome wailed. Sesshomaru rolled his eyes.

"Oh, sorry…you can stay here," he offered. Kagome looked up and grinned.

"Stay here? With a known mass murderer who hates humans and has even tried to kill me, and never see Inuyasha, Shippo, or any of my friends again?" Kagome jumped up and threw her arms around Sesshomaru. "Of course, why not?"

**Step 8: Be sure to have a few random moments of fluffiness.**

"Ow!" Kagome wailed, stumbling. "Sessy, I stubbed my toe." She complained. Sesshomaru looked down at it.

"It's fine," he muttered. "Get going." He ordered, slapping Kagome on the rear. Kagome shuddered. Man, that was hot! Sesshomaru slapped her ass! God, hopefully he'd slap a few other body parts of hers someday!

**Step 9: Introduce all manner of Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus to serve as Sess's servants.**

"Kagome." Sesshomaru said, nodding to a group of various youkai. "Meet my servants. Muteki, Kagemusha, Raijin, Naobi, Yukio, Anzu, Yoshi, Ayumi, Hirokei, and Moe." Kagome smiled and gave the servants a thumbs up.

"Yo, whazup y'all?" She asked. The servants returned the gesture and replied in unison.

"Yo, whazup Mistress Kagome?"

"Hi Kagome!" Rin waved, peeking in from behind Kagemusha's legs. Sesshomaru scowled.

"Who let the kid in here, get her out!" he commanded. Rin began sobbing as Raijin and Naobi dragged her out of the room.

**Optional Step: Ensure that the Inu-gang makes no attempt to track down Kagome**

"Inuyasha, do you think we should look for Kagome?" Sango asked. Inuyasha shook his head.

"She just stayed behind to have a bath," he assured her.

"Inuyasha, that was two months ago," Miroku said dryly. Inuyasha raised an eyebrow.

"Really? Wow, time sure flies when that bitch ain't around," he said, scratching his head.

"Plus it didn't help you were busy in the woods dry-humping Kikyo for the millionth time," Sango accused.

"Hey, her leg looked _really_ inviting, alright?" Inuyasha protested. "Besides, for your information we've never had sex, we've only kissed. Once. And then she tried to drag me to Hell. And we've hugged a few times, but the last time she put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me."

"Oh yeah," Miroku frowned. "So…what do we do about Kagome?"

"She'll be fine, let's go. If worst comes to worst and she gets killed, Kikyo can find the shards for us," Inuyasha said, resuming the walk down the path. Sango, Miroku, Shippo and Kilala shrugged and accepted that Kagome was perfectly fine.

**Step 10: Have some meaningless exposition and plot dumping to fill in Sesshomaru's back story so Kagome can sympathize with him (cause he's just so hurt and vulnerable…)**

"Why is Sesshomaru so…so…" Kagome fumbled for the words.

"So amazingly hot and delicious despite the fact he's had so much plastic surgery he's lost the ability to produce facial expressions?" Raijin suggested.

"I was gonna say he's a bit of a coldfish, but that works too," Kagome nodded. Raijin side.

"The lord's tale is tragic. His mother died a while ago and never really liked him because he always tried on her makeup. His father always liked Izayoi and humans and Sesshomaru was forsaken because he didn't. After his father died Sesshomaru wandered around wondering why life was so unfair, despite the fact he just inherited half of the countryside and he was a good looking near-immortal, highly powerful youkai with the power to revive the dead. So after a while he just decided to be an ass to everyone he met because quiet brooding loner sounds better than Goth," Raijin explained.

"Wow, that sucks," Kagome sighed. Raijin nodded.

"Tell me about, and Freud isn't due to be born for another few centuries."

"Hey, wait a minute, isn't Sesshomaru's mother alive?" Kagome asked.

"Sh, don't spoil it!" Raijin scolded. "Do you want to go and actually have this story make sense?"

"Hey Raijin, can I be in this scene?" Jaken asked from the corner.

"No!"

**Step 11: Have Kagome get kidnapped by Naraku.**

Kagome knelt over to smell a flower in Sesshomaru's garden, when a shadow loomed over her.

"Hello dear miko." Naraku chuckled. "All alone without the hanyou to protect you? What a shame…you never know what might happen to pretty girls who just wander around all the time!" Naraku grabbed Kagome and vanished in a burst of miasma.

**Step 12: Have Sess admit his love, and swing to the rescue.**

"I'm going to rescue her!" Sesshomaru snapped.

"But my lord, why?" Muteki asked.

"Because I love her!" Sesshomaru snapped. The servants gasped.

"But my lord, I thought you hated humans!" Ayumi protested.

"In the past…ten seconds, I suddenly changed my mind," Sesshomaru sniffed. "Humans rock. Now, I have to save the woman I love."

"Sesshomaru-sama, can I be in the story now?" Rin asked from the corner.

"No!"

-Some time later-

Sesshomaru leaped into Naraku's castle courtyard, the dark hanyou holding Kagome several feet away.

"This is it Sesshomaru," Naraku hissed. "Once I kill the girl and claim her jewel shards, the complete Shikon-no-Tama will be mine!"

**Optional Step: To add a sense of drama, kill off Kouga and Kikyo, and give all the other shards to Naraku**

"But what about Kouga and Kikyo?" Kagome asked. Naraku shrugged and looked down at her.

"Oh, them. I killed them, took their shards. Very bloody, Kouga left a real mess on my pelt," he explained.

"Wait a minute," Sesshomaru frowned. "If you can complete the Shikon-no-Tama with Kagome's shards, why not do it now? Why wait until I had arrived?"

"It's part of a hairbrained scheme to infect the Shikon-no-Tama with hatred by killing you!" Naraku sneered. "Something about…youkai and miko…carry the two, divide by three…hold on," Naraku pulled out his script and leafed through it in confusion. "Hm, yeah, kidnap Kagome, taunt you, blah blah blah…hm, not much in here about why I have to fight you."

"This isn't making much sense," Sesshomaru pointed out.

"I thought this story wasn't supposed to make sense?" Kagome asked.

"Forget it, just shut up and let's get to the fight scene!" Naraku hissed, throwing Kagome aside and putting away his script.

"You're the villain," Sesshomaru shrugged. He leapt into the air and quick as light, dashed across the courtyard and sliced Naraku's head off. And just that, bickity bam, Naraku was dead. Kagome picked up the shards from his pelt and took out her own, fusing them into a complete Shikon-no-Tama. Sesshomaru picked her up and took her back to the castle.

**Step 13: Have Kagome and Sesshomaru confess their love, leading to a lemon scene! Gotta have that lemon!**

"Sessy baby, I love you," Kagome admitted. Sesshomaru grinned.

"Really? What a coincidence, I love you too!" he yelled, giving the miko a sloppy kiss. Sesshomaru threw Kagome over his shoulder and bounded to his bedroom, kicking the door shut behind him.

-Two Minutes Later-

"Whoa, that was amazing." Kagome lay back in the bed, her hair tousled. Sesshomaru grinned and lowered his cigarette.

"Yeah, it was," he muttered, leaning over to kiss her.

"My poor immature eyes have been blinded!" Rin wailed from the corner.

"Shut up!" Kagome snapped, nuzzling Sesshomaru's neck.

**Optional Step: During the lemon, have Kagome become a hanyou; either from the marking, or from the purification of the Shikon-no-Tama. Kagome will be ten times more attractive to Sesshomaru as a hanyou than she was a human**

As Sesshomaru and Kagome made out after screwing each other, the Shikon-no-Tama glowed around her neck. With a flash of light, Midoriko appeared hovering above the bed.

"Congrats Kaggie," Midoriko said. "You've purified the jewel, and as a reward, you shall now become a hanyou." Midoriko snapped, and Kagome's hair turned white, she grew claws and dog ears. And suddenly, her legs became longer, her skin became paler, her boobs got bigger, and her hips became more rounded.

"How did I purify the jewel?" Kagome asked, twitching a newfound ear.

"You had sex," Midoriko explained. "Prayer and good thoughts is all well and good, but to really purify the jewel, you've gotta get knocked up." Kagome gasped.

"Knocked up?"

**Optional Step: Make Kagome pregnant.**

"Yeah, Fluffy got ya pregers," Midoriko replied. "See ya." Midoriko vanished in a puff of smoke, the Shikon-no-Tama vanishing.

"Oh no!" Kagome wailed. "I'm a hanyou now, and since I was a human when we mated, my child will be a hanyou!" Sesshomaru hugged her.

"So? What's the problem with hanyous?" he asked.

"I thought all youkai hated hanyous," Kagome blubbered.

"Well I did, but I figure 'hey, my kid is gonna be a hanyou'. I might as well learn to like them." Kagome giggled.

"God I love you Sessy!"

"I love you too Kaggie." Kagome kissed him and turned to Rin huddling in the corner traumatized by the lemon scene.

"Come here Rin, I'm your mommy now," she offered.

"Yay, I can be in the story now!" Rin cheered, jumping into Kagome's arms.

"Of course, we need a tender moment between you two to show the world's universal acceptance of Kagome's otherwise nonsensical transformation," Sesshomaru explained. "Either that or we just forgot you existed until now and you're a last minute addition to cover our mistake."

"Yay!" Rin repeated.

**Step 14: Time for that final fight scene**

"Hey bastard!" Inuyasha bellowed, stomping into Sesshomaru's castle. "What the hell is my bitch's scent doing around here?" Sesshomaru and Kagome appeared at the top of a staircase.

"She's my mate now, baka," Sesshomaru said, licking Kagome's ear. Inuyasha growled and pulled out Tetsusaiga,

"Hell with that! Kagome is my bitch, there's no way in hell an asshole like you is gonna fuck her while I'm alive!" He roared.

"Okay, I can deal with that," Sesshomaru said. Sesshomaru drew Tokijin and dashed, catching Inuyasha off guard. A moment later, Inuyasha's head rolled on the ground.

**Step 15: Have a sappy ending**

"Oh my god, he's adorable!" Kagome said, holding her newborn child. "I think we'll name him Sessy Jr.!" Sesshomaru grinned and nuzzled her neck.

"Great idea. I love you Kaggie," he said.

"I love you too Sessy."

"Can I be in the ending scene?" Jaken asked, peeking in the doorway.

"No!"

**THE END**


End file.
